Our beloved Milwaukee Bucks are back in the playoffs (currently, as in at this exact moment of writing) for the second time in 3 years. It’s an interesting team: we’ve got a balanced mix of experienced journeymen, young standouts (including a rookie of the year candidate), and a Giannis.
Our admittedly fair-weather fan base will be watching more Bucks basketball this week than perhaps the rest of the season combined. And that’s a good thing; I’m not one to judge. Any new viewership is good viewership.
Most people know, thanks to the booming voice over the loudspeaker, that Giannis Antetokounmpo is often referred to as “The Greek Freak”. I love NBA nicknames, but I hate this one: as unreal as Giannis is (and he is), it’s not very clever nor flattering. Plus, I feel bad for the supporting Bucks cast that hasn’t even been given an unflattering nickname by the press.
We here at The Squeaky Curd are equal-opportunity nicknamers, so we gave new ones to each player on this 2017 Bucks playoff roster:
Current Nickname: The Greek Freak
New Nickname: The Big Feta
Yeah, he’s Greek, but now he’s in the land of cheese. “The Big Feta” sounds like “the big fella”, which he is, and is similar to “the big cheese”, which he also is.
Current: Kha$h Money (or Sleepy, if you’re Greg Monroe)
I actually like Khris “Money” Middleton. He’s the Bucks leading 3-point shooter, and had essentially no drop-off in performance after missing 50+ games earlier this season due to injury. They just need to play the Mario coin sound every time he makes a 3.
Current: The President
New: Mal Bro
Once I found out just how much he looks and sounds like President Obama, plus witnessed the type of leader he’s been all year as a rookie, I think “The President” ain’t bad. But we’re missing the obvious “Mal Bro”, which is already part of his name plus has the added benefit of mocking current President Trump’s “bad hombre” comments.
New: Rain Maker
Cuz he makes it rain. Hey, when it works it works.
“Teacup” may not sound intimidating on first listen, but Dellavedova doesn’t look as dangerous as he really is, either. Just like the song: he’s short, stout, and constantly shouting when on the court. You do not want to see him all steamed up. (Plus he’s Australian, and the British love tea.)
New: Death Row
Greg “Death Row” Monroe is a little morbid, sure, but if you’re going to be standing in the lane between him and the basket you’re going to end up in a body bag.
Current: Snellycat (Chicago Bulls)
New: The Silent Assassin
The “Silent Assassin” nickname supposedly first came from Tony’s mother (which is awesome); it still fits, as it seems like Snell often slinks off the bench only to wind up randomly fouling somebody.
New: The Hand
Current: Jet (Brooklyn Nets)
He just looks so cuddly but also so ferocious while on the floor. Plus, it seems like a name you’d give to your cool old uncle, which is the role he fills nicely for the Bucks.
New: Mountain Man
Spencer Hawes aka the “Mountain Man” hits on three points: his extreme height (7’1″), the fact that he’s from Seattle near the mountains, and because he looks like a goshdarned mountain man!
Though it only ever really caught on as his personal Twitter handle, Supercoolbeas is literally tattooed on his back. We kind of have to call him that.
New: No Fearza
“No Fearza” Mirza is almost as frightening as his actual name.
Current: Mr. Showtime
Rashad “Velvet” Vaughn is as smooth as his jump shot.
Gary Payton II
Current: The Thief
It can be tough for the children of former stars, but Gary Payton’s son literally has the same name. I say embrace it, but also one-up it by going as Gary Payton “2.0”: it implies you’re the new and improved version.
Jabari is one of those names, like Kobe or Shaq. It can stand on its own.
Coach Jason Kidd
Current: J-Kidd, Mr. Triple-Double, The Point Guard Whisperer
New: Daddy Double D
I think this one will catch on.
Assistant Coach Joe Prunty
He’s second in line behind Coach Kidd, and also the head coach of the Great Britain men’s national team.
Assistant Coach Eric Hughes
New: The Godfather
Eric Hughes and Coach Kidd go way back…to when Kidd was in 8th grade. Who knows where Kidd would’ve ended up without Hughes leading him to Cal.
Assistant Coach Greg Foster
New: Uncle Greg
According to this infallible Wikipedia page, Greg played high school ball with Gary Payton Sr, so he’s kind of like 2.0’s uncle.
Assistant Coach Sean Sweeney
New: The Architect
Milwaukee Magazine had a great article on Sean “The Architect” Sweeney last season after he pieced together an impressive playoff run the year before. He’s back with the schemes this year.
Assistant Coach Stacey Augmon
Current: Plastic Man (from time as a player)
New: Master P
I like “Plastic Man”, but he’s a coach now, so he deserves a more authoritarian name. “Master P” will do just fine.
Trainer Scott Faust
Self-explanatory, plus kick-ass.
Make sure you catch our hometown Bucks playing in Game 3 of the first round playoffs tonight in Milwaukee against the Toronto Raptors at 7PM. Bonus points if you call them by one of our new nicknames.