The Great State Fair. All photos by Joe Powell.

The Great State Fair. All photos by Joe Powell.

The Wisconsin State Fair is a lot of things, but “restrained” is not one of them. Be it the 176 fried food items, Salt N Pepa performing, or the classic Giant Slide, the State Fair does things big and brash. In honor of all its glutton-glory, I present my list of this year’s State Fair Superlatives.

Most Minions: “Murder the Minion” Game Tent

Aim right for the banana.

Aim right for the banana.

Every game tent was giving away one of this year’s most adorable yellow plush toy, but only one featured Minions as their sole prize. To win, pay $6 to throw three darts directly at Bob’s lovable little chest. Impale him and take home one of his friends.

Most Throw-Uppiest Ride: Equinox

Equinox: Destroyer of Good Pants

Equinox: Destroyer of Good Pants

Spinning after being lulled into a false sense of security by the rad inline-skater and big-breasted Latina women on the painted backdrop? No thanks.

Most Sexually-Aroused Food Stand: Wisconsin Potatoes

They do have beautiful eyes.

They do have beautiful eyes.

There is no reason to have the “Oh…” to start that tagline. To be fair, I did leave their stand satisfied.

Beefiest Cow: Kampy Braxton

"Utter you looking at?"

“Utter you looking at?”

I’m not saying we should eat Kampy, I’m just saying I would.

Most Comfortable Place to Sit: the bench outside Saz’s

Fair-goers enjoying a brief rest.

Fair-goers enjoying a brief rest.

We tried many benches that day and found this slat-style bench near Saz’s and across from the corn stand to be best for comfort and people-watching.

Most Ridiculous Judging Category: Wisconsin Potato Person

Kill me.

“Kill me.”

It was a hard choice between this and “Most Unusual Vegetable Shape.” The dead eyes continue to haunt me. Well done, children.

Sexiest Robot Butt: Rockit Robot

Not even a competition.

Not even a competition.

This 9-foot tall robot spent most of the day riding a scooter and bopping his butt to the beat while confused children chased after and 25 year-old men took pictures for their blog.

Most Disapproving Vegetable: Corn on the Cob

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Not one person made a joke about the Milwaukee Lion at the New Berlin Lion’s Club that day. I’m proud of you, fair-goers.

Least-Fried Food: Milk

Banana, Strawberry, Root Beer, Chocolate Cream Pie, Orange Dreamscicle.

Banana, Strawberry, Root Beer, Chocolate Cream Pie, Orange Dreamscicle.

There’s nothing better on a hot day than milk from a deer.

Most Surprising Attraction: 14-Year Old Girl Arm-Wrestling

Not pictured: the crowd of hundreds of on-lookers.

Not pictured: the crowd of hundreds of on-lookers.

Least Surprising Occurrence: that my wife suckered me into buying something from the Expo Center

To be fair, it is the attractive color of Ivan Ooze.

To be fair, it is the attractive color of Ivan Ooze.

Most Frustrated Fair Goer: Katie

Immediately after Saz's told us they don't accept credit cards.

Immediately after Saz’s told us they don’t accept credit cards.

Happiest Man at the Wisconsin State Fair: this guy eating his first Cream Puff

Pure bliss.

Pure bliss.

Thank you Wisconsin State Fair for another successful trip. I never tire from experiencing the fantastical parts this great state has to offer.

The Wisconsin State Fair runs from now until August 16. Go find your own superlatives!