As the venerable but injury-prone Green Bay Packers travel down to Dallas (slash Fort Worth slash Frisco slash Arlington #MetroplexMadness) to take on the too-young-to-rent-a-car Dallas Cowboys in an NFC playoff game, the time-honored discussion has once again arisen of which team is “America’s Team” and/or “God’s Team”.

We’re here to break down the facts on both fronts and come to a final and absolute scientific, qualitative conclusion.


America’s Team

Green Bay Packers

Pros:

  1. Recent national polls conducted by the Public Policy Polling organization in both 2011 and 2015 named the Green Bay Packers #1 in both “favorability” and “single favorite team”.
  2. Green Bay represents the American Dream: a scrappy, blue-collar, small-town with one of the best sports franchises in the nation. Plus, the Packers are the only publicly-owned team in the country. A large amount of Americans literally own the Packers.
  3. They’re 1 of only 4 NFL teams that will have never played outside the USA by the end of next season.

Cons:

  1. Many Americans don’t know where Green Bay is on a map, and they often put the emphasis on the wrong syllable.
  2. Something something Brett Favre.
  3. Other parts of America are jealous?

Dallas Cowboys

Pros:

  1. Wikipedia never lies.
  2. From 1963-1983, they were the winningest team in the NFL. That’s a large chunk of Americans who grew up seeing W’s in the Boys’ column.
  3. Both worth the most of any sports team in the world and the team that essentially started the “get models to jump around in skimpy outfits for drunk people’s amusement” cheerleader idea. There are few things America loves more than money and pretty people.

Cons:

  1. Those same PPP polls showed Dallas to be the nation’s most hated team.
  2. They currently have 3 foreign-born players on their roster (2 Canadians, 1 Brit).
  3. Dallas is physically closer to the capitals of Mexico, Cuba, and Belize than the capital of the USA.

Winner

Green Bay Packers, by a cheese curd.


God’s Team

Dallas Cowboys

Pros:

  1. Though in fact because of a design flaw, Texas Stadium (Dallas’ home for decades) was said to have had a hole in its roof so “God could watch His favorite team play.
  2. They’re the only team to have had 20 straight winning seasons (18 of which led to playoff appearances), they have the most NFC championships, and they’re tied for most Super Bowl appearances. God’s work at hand.
  3. Tony Romo’s bizarre ability to heal.

Cons:

  1. The new Cowboys Stadium has the world’s largest video monitor hanging in the middle of the field, obstructing God’s view.
  2. Jerry Jones has obviously sold his soul to the Devil.
  3. Tony Romo’s bizarre ability to get injured.

Green Bay Packers

Pros:

  1. Aaron Rodgers channels Divine Intervention every time he throws a Hail Mary.
  2. They’ve been blessed with not 1 but 2 of the best quarterbacks in history for 20 years straight.
  3. The Minister of Defense (RIP).

Cons:

  1. The Fail Mary. The Onside Kick. The Giants in January (prior to 2017). 4th and 26. 1973-1991. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
  2. We routinely play our games in cold weather that’s meant to kill humans.
  3. Rodgers doubts God’s love for football.

Winner

The martyred Cleveland Browns: James 1:12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”