This Saturday is All Hollows Eve – one of my favorite holidays. It’s a perfect storm this year: the 31st actually lands on a Saturday and it’s daylight savings, which gives us an extra hour to creep and crawl. Halloween is the epitome of an American holiday: a night where you’re encouraged to spend money and time pretending to be someone you’re not, while gorging on sugar. There is no better example of this than the “sexy” costume. It seems like everyone takes this drunken night as an opportunity to let their hair down. If there can be a Sexy Sushi costume then anything can be sexy.

In our opinion, there’s nothing sexier than Milwaukee. Here’s how to dress like a true Milwaukeean while still picking up that Hanging Chad by the punch bowl.


Sexy Milverine

Two seconds after this photo was taken a totally rad explosion occurred behind him. Photo by orangutang9.

Two seconds after this photo was taken a totally rad explosion occurred behind him.
Photo by orangutang9.

This one’s pretty easy, thanks to the the relative lack of clothing necessary for the outfit and the stunning sexiness of the real Milverine. The real tricky parts are the body hair and no-nonsense strut. Preparation is key.

Required Costume Pieces

  • Blue jeans
  • Tennis shoes
  • Black leather belt
  • Chest hair (beard optional but encouraged)
  • Strut
  • Respect
Shoes by frankieleon; Chest by vanz.

Shoes by frankieleon; Chest by vanz.

Super Sexy Tip: Make this a female costume by utilizing the top, chest portion of a gorilla suit.


Sexy Bronze Fonz

Henry Winkler is the sexiest 70-year-old under 5.5 feet, and his iconic Happy Days character needed to be immortalized in bronze in downtown Milwaukee so that future generations can grope his junk in perpetuity.

bronz-fonz-costume-3-sd

Ehhhhh! Photo by Joe Powell.

Required Costume Pieces

  • Leather biker jacket
  • Blue jeans
  • Black boots
  • White tshirt
  • Mountains of bronzer
  • Thumbs (2)
Jacket by Timken Bearing; tshirt by Stacie; boots by Jon-Isac Lindberg; bronzer by Emily Cox.

Jacket by Timken Bearing; tshirt by Stacie; boots by Jon-Isac Lindberg; bronzer by Emily Cox.

Super Sexy Tip: Rather than using bronzer, simply melt a gallon of butter and drench your entire body in it. Not only will it help slick back your hair, but people (or cats) will be licking you all night.


Sexy Hank the Ballpark Pup

The only fan at any Brewers game legally allowed to walk around in the nude, Hank the Ballpark Pup is showing the ladies he can still flaunt it, even without the goods. You’ll be sure to round the bases Halloween night with this furry ensemble.

Not pictured: his wagging tail. Photo from JSOnline.

Not pictured: his wagging tail. Photo from JSOnline.

Required Costume Pieces

  • Brewer’s jersey
  • Brewer’s bandana
  • White fur coat, gloves, pants, boots

Super Sexy Tip: To make this costume both instantly more authentic and sexier, only wear the jersey and bandana.


As for me? I’m considering revisiting my successful Triceratops Blue Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger outfit.

The Powells, circa 1994-ish.

The Powells, circa 1994-ish. Photo compliments of the Powell Family Archives. 

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